I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
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I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Blew my mind.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
Thrilling chase underway