we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
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I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it