@illTortuga

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

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@fatherofcomedy

A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution

@jonnysun

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

@AngelaEhh

Bartender: What can I get you?

Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?

Bartender:

Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?

Bartender:

Me: Beer.

@djdarrellripley

I have a strict policy against dating coworkers… Well, not so much a policy as a loosely enforced suggestion, at the request of my lawyer.

@abbycohenwl

Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest

@knot_eye

This bottle of vodka was on sale.

So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.

@Fenyris

I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.

@pilau

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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