Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
5 grabbed the rest of my sandwich and said, “Don’t mind if I do!” and walked away.
I’d be mad if I wasn’t so impressed with his confidence.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.