A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
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remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
If I’m lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?
I have a strict policy against dating coworkers… Well, not so much a policy as a loosely enforced suggestion, at the request of my lawyer.
Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!
– inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest
You’re like the menstrual cramp and bloating of people.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it