@thejayroyal

Damn girl, can I get all up in that? I’m sorry, where are my manners. MAY I get all up in that?

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@RexHuppke

“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party

@lloydrang

Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature

Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature

@DeadLioness

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.

@jonnysun

JESUS: everyone loves me
GABRIEL: wat about judas
GOD: o snap
JESUS: dad
GOD: u’ve just been…
JESUS: dont do this
GOD: TOUCHÉD BY AN ANGEL

@Lazer_Cat_

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

@stuartfiddle

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

@jergarl

8: Daddy can we go to a haunted house tonight?

Me: You spent the night at Grandmas last week.

8: What?

Me: Nothing.

8: I’m telling mom.

@_RobertSchultz

I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.