1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
adam and eve had first world problems
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
me after drinking all the wine:
Dyslexics are teople poo!
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.