Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
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RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
hmmm
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK