Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
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FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”
I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.