@boring_as_heck

Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

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@iamspacegirl

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.

@markydoodoo

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

@squirrel74wkgn

Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.

@batkaren

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

@Home_Halfway

HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

@sarahdelri0

What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”

@hollywoodsigh

I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.