[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
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PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
[goes to walmart]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Autocorrect changed “romance” to “necromance” and now my tinder date is a woman who died 40 years ago.
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?