[ugly sweater contest]
*takes home the gold*
Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.
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COP: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “So it wouldn’t be windy when we talked.”
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.