JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
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#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.