Damn girl, is your dad an astronaut? Because I’d like to meet him. Please let me meet your astronaut dad.

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Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself, have some respect.


FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.


Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.


Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.


HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly


[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.


What I say to my son: “Get dressed.”
His interpretation: “Stand around naked watching television with one sock on.”


I’m at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to shit faster because it’s cold.