[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
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*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Free him
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
OKAY DAD
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends