Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
You Might Also Like
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
🙂🙃🥹
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
eggs benadryl
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents