If you’re testing me, we failed.
damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay
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A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.