@electrolemon

damn girl, you got a butt that WON’T QUIT *butt pulls out a knife* wait, no- *butt stabs me* no, stop- *butt doesn’t stop* …et tu, bootay

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@HonestlyJon

A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL

@MNateShyamalan

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

@online_rat

my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun

@lovejulieacafe

People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…

No thank you.
I already have a cat.

@ChribHibble

FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”

@D2BMcG

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

@pleatedjeans

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

@unravelingfire

Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.

Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.