Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

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Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.


When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.


Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan


in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental


did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no


Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to ‘Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!’?


the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders


[Parent-Teacher Conference]

Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away

Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!