@ElKnuckelhombre

Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.

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@Cycloptomese

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

@freedom2726

When someone asks me if I’m busy, it always sounds like a trick question.

@ghostkrogh

Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan

@yonewt

in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental

@eyeswidebutt

did you write “call Gary in HR for lots of really disappointing and hairy sex” on the bathroom stall?

[wearing my “I hate gary” tshirt]: no

@cluedont

Why does my wife always wait until I’m at the opposite end of the house before asking me to ‘Merm frner mernferr brnerfer!’?

@blainecapatch

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

@MUMSIEesq

[Parent-Teacher Conference]

Teacher: ..if another kid is mean to her, she calmly walks away

Me: *flips table* WHICH KID IS MEAN TO HER?!?!