Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.