If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
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College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.