Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot