Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

You Might Also Like


I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.


My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly


He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.


Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.


I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.


Imagine how much fatter we’d all be if they made snack bags less noisy so we could finally snack in peace


honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good


THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise