Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.