@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

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@qikipedia

I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.

@Jamberee13

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly

@Jay_FrickinLynn

He pasta way? Here today, gone tomato. You cannoli do so much before thyme is up. Never sausage a tragedy. Olive my thoughts are with you.

@HousewifeOfHell

Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.

Or a piece of work. Something like that.

@Sal0630

I was close to becoming a rap god. But then 1 day my mom licked her thumb to wipe a smudge off my face as a kid & ruined all my street cred.

@sliver_of

Imagine how much fatter we’d all be if they made snack bags less noisy so we could finally snack in peace

@CornOnTheGoblin

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

@ericsshadow

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise