@XplodingUnicorn Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
@ElleOhHell Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
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@XplodingUnicorn 
@SaraMansford Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.
@MarioInAZ My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
@DelilahSmashbox I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
@dave_cactus Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
@sad_jake Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.
@OhNoSheTwitnt I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
@ruinedpicnic Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!
@Contwixt I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
@Darlainky I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.