@ElleOhHell

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.

Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*

@SaraMansford

Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.

@MarioInAZ

My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.

@DelilahSmashbox

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@ruinedpicnic

Lorax: I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees! They have a crush on you Brad!
Trees: What? We did not say that! Tell Brad we didn’t say that!

@Contwixt

I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.

@Darlainky

I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.