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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: I have some bad news

Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?

Doctor: I’m afraid she passed

Me: oh no

Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it

@PAT_E_ROCK

BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.

@jakob_huber

Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels

@Pro_Jones_

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

@GrowlyGrego

Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?

@ComedicBust

Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.

@AnneM69

I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email

@GensPlace

Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.

@DurtMcHurtt

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.