Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
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BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
my retainer gives me the weirdest lisp
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Our eyes met. Our hearts touched. He was the one. We fell in love. He used a flash mob to propose. I’m single now.
I love people who IM me to tell me that they left a voice message to say that they sent me an email
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.