Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
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Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Mmmm canned fish.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.