*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
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i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
How software testing works
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –