How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
In case you needed to hear it:
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination