I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
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If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
With this onion ring, I thee fed
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Yup.
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
a god among men
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.