Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
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According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”