Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
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In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I hate when that happens.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Once I’ve repeated what I said for the third time, I have to tell my dark family secret:
I come from a long line of mumblers.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink