Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
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Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
For the ones in the back.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.