“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
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“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*