I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
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sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.