Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate

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Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.

*hangs up*

Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-


My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.


Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?


“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru


The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan


First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*


I’m not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during “If I Could Turn Back Time” does she mention killing Hitler.


There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.


[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]

“But that means…”

[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]