@anniealone23

Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate

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@donni

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

@chickenmclovin

New way to avoid pregnancy:
Wear double condom with chilli powder in between.
If outer breaks she will know,
if inner breaks u will know.

@shariv67

Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.

@prodigis

whenever a song says put your hands in the air i do it on the spot. i have fun and also an alarming vehicle collision record

@mom_ontherocks

Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen

@LostFelicia

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

@EllaZee5

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

@effinghandbook

Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.