Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate
You Might Also Like
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]
Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
I’m not suggesting Cher is a nazi, but at no point during “If I Could Turn Back Time” does she mention killing Hitler.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]