Damnit. My roommate stole my cookie again. Oh well.. guess I’ll just have to go grab another..
*voice over* but she did not have a roommate

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Coworker: Are those Chinos?

Me: No. These are my pants.


Me: Who steals pants?


Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.

I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.


Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”

Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”


oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!


A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.


This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.


Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…


Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.