@FeelingMervis

Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.

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@IvoryGazelle

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

@SarcasticSadOne

Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.

@baycontaco

I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.

@BlondAmbitionTO

Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?

@JurassicPark2go

sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big

@Cheeseboy22

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.