Damnnnnn gurl… I wanna to take you back to my place, get you alone and just do work on your grammar.

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The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves


Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?

Me: I own a house.


I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.


Date: Do you go camping?

Me: Our ancestors evolved in order to give us pillow-top mattresses and flushing toilets. Why would I sleep outside?


sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big


Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.