I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
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5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.