Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.