72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.