Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
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Aight bet
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!