Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.

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When my wife says “I don’t want to talk about it” that’s woman code for you better put your life on hold for 2 hours & find out what “It” is


I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.


ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand

DATE: ??

ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor


marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret


Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.


If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.


For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.


As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.


Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”

Me, “Continue?”


When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.