@peteholmes

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

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@vornietom

People who say “don’t hate the player hate the game” are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: I won breakfast!

Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.

7: Said the loser.

@murrman5

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

@ClichedOut

gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay

me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks

@IHPower

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

@shutupmikeginn

Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that

@thejamietighe

Coworker: What book you reading there?

Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’

CW:…

Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.