People who say “don’t hate the player hate the game” are working under the wildly false assumption that I am unable to hate 2 things at once
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
What do you call a group of kids?
….. a migraine
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Girl on my bus has a therapy dog with a marked vest and I was like, “what kind of therapy is he in?” because of course I said that
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.