The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
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911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
how much for the angry fruit?
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob