I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
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David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.