The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
You Might Also Like
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
her: call me names
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?