Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

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The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.


my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on


Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?


If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.


I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?


I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.


I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?