@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

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@BrewThePigeon

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

@DilemmaEmmaEmma

Once when I had a broken toe, my mom told me to walk it off. When Princess Di died, she sobbed for a day.

@mrjohndarby

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

@MattBellassai

been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening

@ArfMeasures

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes

@adamgreattweet

how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05

how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15

@iamspacegirl

my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes

@CooIStepDad

“Son it’s time we had the talk”

“Cmon dad I know about se..”

“Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

“What?”

“It was an inside job”

@Holy_Mowgli

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes