Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
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I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Covid like
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.