@vladchoc

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

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@XplodingUnicorn

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

@allahliker

my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on

@Holy_Mowgli

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

@Mom_Overboard

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

@bourgeoisalien

I misspelled “marriage” and Auto Correct changed it to “mirage.” What do you know that I don’t, Auto Correct?

@KellyMeldrum

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

@PaperWash

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?