Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
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You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
I really had high hopes for this year though
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em