Who decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? “Manslaughter is illegal” would’ve been more relevant.
Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.
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-French Canadian on a water slide.
[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.