@delusions_of

Dance like nobody’s holding your family hostage in some bizarre underground dance competition.

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@lilgapeach32

Who decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? “Manslaughter is illegal” would’ve been more relevant.

@KeetPotato

[jim henson reveals kermit the frog for 1st time]
me:
jim:
me:
jim:
me:
jim: “what do you think?”
me: “i mean have you ever seen a frog?”

@badbanana

North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.

@Knob_ish

Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!

@HatfieldAnne

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

@longwall26

Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.

@CatherineLMK

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

@Brianhopecomedy

Did a somersault for the first time in years. I know that’s not a good tweet but I’m getting bored lying here waiting for the paramedics.