Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
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The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it