@JermHimselfish

Dance like nobody’s watching. Paint like your girlfriend doesn’t text you too much. Sing like you didn’t struggle with algebra in 9th grade.

You Might Also Like

@david8hughes

[the followin is based on a true story]
*clips of me hittin my shin on my bed every nite for a year*
Narrator: its like he forgets its there

@heymonroe

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

@LionJenkins

Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: Recalculating Route
Me: *Wrong Turn
Siri: You’re on your own, Idiot.

@TweetsByTheTony

Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.

*winks*

@withanewname

Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

@gruffybeard

Her: Why’s the couch smell like pee?

[Flashback to me watching The Ring alone]

Me: *points at son* I think someone had another “accident.”

@Ristolable

I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”

@dave_cactus

*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*