Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
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dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
This could be us but you eatin’
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button