[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?