@VanVeenB

Dance like nobody’s watching you.

‘Cause they’re not.
Nobody cares.

~Inspirational tweet~

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@lonelySophia

“Wow 4 tattoos.. those are pretty permanent you know”

Me: wow 4 kids… those are pretty damn permanent CAROL

@1MeLrO

You think you got problems

I just mixed a box of regular spaghetti with a box of thin spaghetti

Supper is ruined I tell you

@MisterBombay

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing

@badbanana

If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?

@Mike_Bianchi

Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME

@NYC_Blonde

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

@Scriblit

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

@Reverend_Scott

[wedding reception]

DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE

Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?

IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING

@Douchekevin

I’m the perfect man if you don’t factor in looks, depth of character, emotional availability, intelligence or financial well being.