[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
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I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God