Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
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I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
Bill is short for Billiam
love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”