“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
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Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Me: The bathroom
Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Sometimes Victoria’s Secret is Victor’s secret on weekends.