@CantWaitToNap

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

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@mattsurely

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

@MissSassy_Pants

Murderer: What are you in for?

Her: Licking ice cream.

Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.

@TheMichaelRock

Me: The bathroom

Wife: What?

Me: I was about to get off the couch and just wanted to stop you before you asked where I was going.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.

@thejessbess

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

@AddTequila

Whenever I meet a girl with tattoos, I get excited. Because I know she’s legal and willing to do stuff she may regret.

@meghaffer

*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.

@SCbchbum

Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.