@vonTraphaus

Dance like you’re not the father

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@ScottyBondo

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

@KattsDogma

*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’

@sarah1mc

I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.

@gneicco

Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.

@Dirty_Naomi

I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.

Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?

@web_supergirl

Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.

@markydoodoo

Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off

@TravLeBlanc

I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.