I was called a faggot by an angry homeless woman last night. I would’ve been offended but I was too busy living in a home.
Dance like you’re not the father
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every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes
1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.
2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.
3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
Twitter gives me renewed faith there’s always someone more stupid.
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”
Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”