maybe the sock wants to be single you don’t know
Dance like you’re not the father
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Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I hate when I’m telling my best friend a story and she gets all judgmental and walks off to get a drink from her water bowl.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
I’ve decided to retire on Monday & live off my savings.
Don’t know what I will do on Tuesday though?
Cat got your tongue? Frog in your throat? Monkey on your back? Butterflies in your stomach? You may be dead in a field.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.