@exarctly

[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

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@WayneL_Jr

That Chief Keef album hypnotized me earlier. I didn’t even realize I was stealing from my mama purse until she paused my music.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you

daughter: no I have my own banana

me: haha I know but its like a phone

daughter: how

@TheToddWilliams

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

@NJFreudian

My therapist asked me, “How would leaving twitter make you feel?”
I replied by asking him, “How would switching therapists make you feel?”

@dshack8

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

@bossy_bootz

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

@mortimermaiden

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@Mom_Overboard

[dinner theater]

Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun

Waiter: *winks* table or booth

Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL

@joshgondelman

Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.