[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa

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Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?

Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.


People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.


My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs


A Nightmare on Elm Street is a Christmas movie. Freddy wears a red and green sweater, and gives parents the gift of taking away their crippling financial burden.


If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”


U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad


I sexually identify with the black guy in a horror movie because this won’t last long and we all know it