‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
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It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
My life coach traded me.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.