*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
The news in a nutshell.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*