*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
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What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
wife: what’d the doctor say?
me: she said i gotta quit drinking
wife: oh, do you think you’ll be able to do that?
me: yeah *pulls beersicles from freezer* i got a plan
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.