Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
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We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
[First Date]
Him: Great dress.
Me: Oh, this?*flips hair*
*twirls*
*skirt flares*
*foot catches*
*face plants*Him:
Me: Hey! Come back!
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you