*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
British websites use biscuits.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo