*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
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With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Bond. Trauma bond.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
ok like just. call me at this point
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.