Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
You Might Also Like
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
All excellent questions
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!