Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
The most important meal of the day is the next one
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”