@Kyle_Raney

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

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@Skoogeth

At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.

The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.

This is an absolute shit investment.

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@HepatitisAtoZ

boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*

Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”

Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”

Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

@notmythirdrodeo

Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.

He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.

@samreich

scarecrow: i need a brain!

tin man: i need a heart!

me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item

dorothy: again, he’s not with us

@put_veerle

I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from

@Shen_the_Bird

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

@JohnLyonTweets

*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door

*hears the word “sex”

*turns down my TV

@GlennPriceMann

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.