Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.
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“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot
Can Happiness buy money?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.
– Local News
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar
me: i don’t have any money
cashier: then put it back
me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us