@robfee

Dang girl are you the American health care system because if I don’t give you all my money you’d have no problem watching me die.

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@mrtruthandsoul

Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

@EndhooS

Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot

@TheTweetOfGod

The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.

@TheMichaelRock

Something you may have in your house right now could be killing your children. We’ll tell you about it in 2 days.

– Local News

@ShortSleeveSuit

My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”

@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

@ClickBaite

Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …

*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now

@coryrichardson_

cashier: you need to pay for that candy bar

me: i don’t have any money

cashier: then put it back

me: *sliding him 20 dollars* how about we keep this between us