Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
You Might Also Like
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.